eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
