dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
