if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
