fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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