When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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