i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
