i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
He has the fingertips of a God
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize