a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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