Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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