you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
