Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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