I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Randomize
