i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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