I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
