CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
