Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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