I accidentally had phone sex last night
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Randomize
