so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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