I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
