i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
