Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
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