we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
