So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
