Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
