I think i sorta joined a cult last night
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
