I skipped work to stalk him.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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