He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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