We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
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