I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
