My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize