I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
