My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
