We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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