The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions