New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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