i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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