It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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