i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
