Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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