there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
