there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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