A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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