erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
