i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
