he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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