You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
