even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
