ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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