I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
