I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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