Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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