does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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