I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
